To all my Felix fans, I’m sorry it’s been so long since you’ve heard anything from us but school + work + kid is exhausting so here are a few amazing things he is doing since the last time we talked:
Crawling.
Pulling up on the couch and standing and bouncing like it is the greatest thing on the entire world.
Eating table food like bread and sweet potatoes.
Saying dadadada and Mamama and bababa and many derivatives of such.

Here are some things he is still doing:
Crying about being sleepy and fighting it harder than ever.
Loving a bottle and loving me holding it for him.
Waking up at night.
Sleeping with us but just after he wakes up at around four.

in the past, felix and i would fight him to sleep. i would hold him close in my arms and hope he would find his thumb and keep it long enough for him to be still enough to go to sleep. then we would rock a while to set the sleep in really good. to make sure he didn’t wake up in the transfer.

lately though, going to sleep has been a bigger battle than usual. i would use all my usual tricks but every position i put him in in my lap he would just arch his back and sling his arm outwards and scream. nothing worked. so yesterday…i gave up. and i put him in his crib and he quickly whimpered himself to sleep. i did it again for his second nap. then today. before he even got very angry i put him in his crib covered him with a light blanket, and kissed him on the cheek. it didn’t take long before the light whimpering ceased and he was sound asleep.

now i know this sounds fantastic to all of you. that it’s so easy now. but. all i see is that he doesn’t want to cuddle with me anymore. that he doesn’t need me to help him go to sleep. sure there’s a part of me that is giddy with excitement, but then the “new mommy with a baby” part of me is actually really sad to see  him growing up. he six months old. and he’s already so independent. thank you justin for making a baby just like you. one that by age six months does not need his mommy anymore. 

you know the little stacking cups. there’s like 8 of them. big to small and you stack them up inside each other. felix and i discovered them a couple of days ago. we both enjoy them. but you’ll never believe what he did. he put the little one into the big one. no lie. like it was nothing. he banged it all around trying to get it to work right and all of a sudden…his aim was just right…and he did it. he put the little one into the big one. and he looked at the cups. like he didn’t know what to do next. it was amazing. my kid is so smart. and he meant to too. i promise he did. 

night one in the crib went ok. he stayed in there till about 1:00 and he got hungry. so we ate in bed and he went back to sleep next to me. that’s been our routine for the past few days now. 

he was so cute this morning. usually i wake up after he’s already gotten up and started kicking and playing. but this morning he was being me. laying there trying not to wake up. his little eyes were still closed as he squirmed around trying to get comfortable. for some reason that was just so cute to me. happy and unbothered. it’s rare that you have the opportunity to leave your kid in bed sleeping while you get up and have a cup of coffee. of course i didn’t do that. i laid in bed with him and thought about how cute he was. and how awesome it was not to be kicked awake. 

i’m handling it pretty well so far actually. considering i haven’t really gone to bed yet. here’s to hoping he wakes up before then and i have to go get him to cuddle him back to sleep with me. 

actually i feel pretty ok about it. i think he might actually sleep a lot better this way. his bassinet is so tiny compared to him now. he can’t even role over all the way without hitting the side. for a while there i thought i would be forced to move his crib into our room. if i was a single mom, there is no doubt that is exactly what i would do. when justin works late and i go to bed early, i don’t even pretend to think i will put him in his bassinet. into bed with me he goes. every time. i’ll let you know how the night goes. 

he sits up on his own now. i just realized that he could do it the other day. i just sat him up to see what he would do. i guess i had sort of given up on it for a while. apparently he got strong enough to do it while i was waiting for him to get strong enough to do it. it’s pretty amazing. you don’t think stuff like that can be so amazing. i know you hear it. that watching your kid do stuff like that for the first time is amazing but you really have no idea what it’s like till your there, watching him do it. like it’s no big deal. it’s like watching your favorite movie for the first time. hoping it will never end because the warm feeling your brain gets is so intoxicating. 

my favorite thing is when he’s sleeping and he sticks his cute little butt in the air. have i told you that before? i can’t remember. did i tell you that that’s how i used to sleep when i was a little? see, he’s got some pieces of me.

i went in his room the other day and he was fast asleep with his arm straight in the air and talking about something. something very happy i might add. holly still does that. i’m waiting for the day i go in there and he’s rubbing his own arm with his finger tips. holly, your weird. that’s still weird. in a totally amazing way. 

me and felix went to the park today. i was feeling a little depressed so i thought it might cheer me up. he had fun too. but he would have had just as much fun walking in his stroller up and down the street and then playing in our back yard. he didn’t really know the difference i’m sure. after we were lost on the trails for an hour (somehow ending up on the opposite side of the park) we layed a blanket down and he rolled around. i stripped him down to his skivvies and he played with the grass. we had fun and i felt just a little like a mom. i felt like people were thinking how cute we were. playing on the grass together. we were cute. like a million cute. i think he had more fun taking a bath when we got hom. he loves baths. he jumps around too much now so we’ve graduated to the real bath tub from the sink. i get in there with him. which i thought would be a little weird (was at first) but turns out it much more fun than it is weird. i mean, he came out of my vagina and sucked on my boob. why whould taking a bath with him be aquard.

and i really do feel like it. mostly anyway. sometimes. like when i’m putting him to sleep and he’s been squirming and fighting for a while. then almost out of nowhere, he gets calm. and looks up at me with his tired little eyes, just listening to me sing to him. he’s so relaxed and he just looks like he feels so safe and content. sometimes he’ll give me a little half smile. slowly he just drifts off. it’s awesome. because i do that. i make him calm and keep him safe. and he knows its me that does that. i know it all sounds a bit cheesy. but nothing so cheesy has ever been so true. or rewarding. or made me so happy. because i don’t always feel like a good mommy. like when felix was crying and i just decided he was tired (which he was) and that he was just going to fuss a bit till he fell asleep. that didn’t really work for justin so he took him and said that he couldn’t just let him cry. he layed him on the floor and played with him. and it worked. he stopped crying. i felt like a bad mommy then. or when i bumped his head on a door. but then there are those moments. those really good moments.   

felix spits baby food at me. even when i’m frustrated, it’s still kinda funny. by the time we’re done we’ve both got green beens splattered all over us. 

is he ever going to stop needing me to hold him every second he’s awake. when he wakes up i get about 15 minutes of felix being independent time. after that he needs me to entertain him. or feed him. or put him to sleep. it’s a crazy amount of work. is this normal? do all babies want their mommies to play with them all the time? or is my kid just more attached? you’d think that if a person is tired (be it tiny or big) they could just lay down in the bed and go to sleep. simple as that. that’s what i do. i don’t need anybody to throw me over their shoulder and slap my butt as i squirm and cry for me to go to sleep. does he not like to sleep? and oh man is he a fighter. he’s getting to where he’ll put his face in your shoulder and stand on your lap, throwing his butt into the air and yelling. it’s incredibly frustrating yet somehow hilarious. seems like that’s how most things go. frustrating and hilarious at the same time. 

first, getting it was memorable. because when i went in the store, there was apparently some drama in which a woman ran out of the store attempting to leave the man she came with. he ran out after her and unfortunately caught up. don’t worry, one of the store workers got the license plate and called the cops. thank god for the “all up in it” women. 

he looks down when we are trying to feed him. he looks down all the time anyway and i can’t for the life of me figure out why. he looks at his feet or down at the ground when we’re in the stroller. and apparently he looks down when we’re trying to feed him baby food as well. it’s not cute. well it is a little bit but it certainly makes my job harder. he doesn’t hate it though. just took a bit of getting used to. and by the end of it he was opening his mouth for it and everything. that is definitely cute. this is really a whole new adventure for me. i sort of feel the way i feel when i’m giving him a taste of my food. like i’m doing it just to amuse myself. to make him make a funny face. but he really does need it. i mean it’s time. it just doesn’t feel like a job yet i guess. it’s still new and cute. 

we’re using his high chair. he gets tired of it pretty quick. i like using it because it’s really pretty. 

felix discovered water during his bath the other day. it was the coolest thing ever. i laughed so hard. he splashed and looked down at his feet and got water everywhere. he was freaking out. can you imagine what it’s like to be walking along and suddenly you stumble into and clear, warm, baby bath scented bath? never having known any such thing as water? it must have been magical for him. what a sensory overload. i love his cute little naked butt. i hope that’s now weird but it’s really the sweetest little butt i’ve ever seen. 

he is the happiest morning baby in the world. that is my favorite time. i wish i was better at getting up in the morning so that i could appreciate it more. 

he smiles at me. and i know exactly how to make him laugh. i throw him into the air. or act like i’m dropping him. he thinks its the funnest thing in t he world he screams and laughs and brings both his hands to his mouth. 

he smiles when he sees my mom. it’s so awesome when i see he knows her. you wouldn’t think it would be such a big deal but i could cry every time he does it. when you have a baby love just sort of spits out all over that place. it gets out in ways that you really didn’t think it was supposed to get out in. there’s like this peace of you that’s totally separated from your own body, but you sill feel was he feels. love what he loves. it’s pretty neat. 

i feel like a sexy beast. i look in the mirror all the time and think “i’d tap that.” i’m very motivated. minus exactly 5 days now. next week i start on the exercises that start with “max.” i don’t wanna. 

i love my baby. and i’m pretty sure i’m a great mommy. i made cupcakes today. one day he’ll be old enough to really be excited about my spir of the moment baking, 

he got so upset last night. he screamed so loud. think i woke him up when i banged some pans around in the kitchen. he just wouldn’t be conforted. that made me feel like a bad mom. 

he roles over now. like all the time. i’ll set him down to play with his pack and play thingy and next thing i know he’s on his belly with his head popping up. he’s 4 months old and he’s trying really hard to scootch his way across the floor. he doesn’t know where he’s going or where he wants to go. he just knows there is something beyond where he’s at in that moment and he wants to know what that something is. i try and tell him that he needs to learn to sit up on his own first but you know how kids are. they think their mom’s don’t know anything at all.